Two Days Left to Give [Make a tax deductible donation before 2012 is officially over!]

This is a glimpse into Gift's story.
Her Mom died when she was a baby. Her family was unable to care for her. She spent the first few years of her life in an orphanage.
Although she is now back at home with her Jjajja (Grandmother), she lost some critical years at home.
We need you to understand that this could have been prevented. That Gift never had to be placed in an orphanage. She could have stayed in her family. Her family just lacked the resources to make this possible.
We share with you Gift's story because we need it to be real to you.
This is not another batch of statistics or a well-written research article on children living in institutional care in Africa.
It is a story of a little girl who should have never been separated from her family.
This family is one of the many reasons we are launching Abide Family Center.
Why we have come to believe so strongly in the strength and resiliency of the African family.
Why we are asking you to consider making an end of the year donation to help us in the construction of our new property in Bugembe, Jinja, Uganda.
The property that will welcome with open arms and serve families like Gift's.
Because we believe children belong in families, not in orphanages.

We have two days left in the month of December and we are only 4 RAK's away from our goal. This means we need just under $2,000 donated in the next 2 days to reach our goal. We invite you to make an end of the year donation to Abide to support the construction underway on our property in Uganda. If you have been abundantly blessed this year and have some extra money to give. You can donate online here: DONATE TO ABIDE [We use PayPal for donations, which is a secure server]

Abide Family Center is a project of The Antioch Group, a 501c3/nonprofit.  This means your donation is tax deductible.  Make your donation and make sure to claim it on your 2012 taxes before the year is over.

We hope you all had an excellent Christmas and we wish you a very safe and blessed new year. We are so excited to see all that God has in store for Abide in 2013. The most exciting year for us yet!

With love,
Kelsey & Megan
(and the rest of the Abide team)

Christmas Giving

Is your Christmas shopping list left with that one person who seems to have everything? Still stumped on what to give them?

How about making a donation to Abide Family Center in their honor?

Donate on our website and in the comments mention that you are donating in someone's honor and which card you would like. We will then send you one of the cards below that you can give to the person on Christmas morning!

Here in the link to donate via paypal (all donations are tax deductible) 

http://www.abidefamilycenter.org/donate0.aspx 

For a donation of any kind

For a donation of $50

For a donation of $100

For a donation of $25

All donation will be included in our Countdown to Kindness! Keep following on Facebook or the blog

Check out where your donations are going for the Countdown to Kindness

This is where your donations are going. Our new home in Uganda. Complete with a (NEW) wall and gate around the property thanks to your generous donations. Next phase: construction on the actual structure already standing and the building of a brand new structure that will serve as emergency housing for families at Abide !! We can't say thank you enough! God is good.





This is the actual building where Abide's services will be run out of, it's what the photo of the wall above is enclosing. As you can see, the last three units at the far end are not complete. The money from the the Countdown to Kindness is going toward the completion of these units & the building of transitional housing for families without anywhere to stay.

Countdown to Kindness

Join our Christmas Fundraising Event!

Help us get to TWENTY Random Acts of Kindness by December 31st!!!!!
(we do one random act of kindness for every $500 we raise)

1. Watch the video


Countdown To Kindness from Abide Family Center on Vimeo.


2. DONATE

3. Check the blog periodically to see pictures and videos of our Random Acts of Kindness as the money comes in!

3. Share on FB, twitter, blogger, tumblr, pinterest, etc... to get your friends to donate too!

The Countdown:

20. Games collected for kids in inner-city Philadelphia



19. Stocking filled for kids in inner-city DC



18. Box of chocolates left on a stranger's doorstep



17. Free coffee and bagels for four unsuspecting college student

16. Free night of babysitting for some awesome parents

15. Flowers for the amazing Rachelle














14. Chocolate covered pretzels for a studying student

13. Christmas cards for people living in a nursing home

12. Homemade cupcakes for a sweet neighbor

11. A Movie Night Package for a Very Deserving Couple so They can get a Much Needed Night Out (w/ Complimentary Babysitting)

10. Free Car Wash (Complete with Windex'ed Windows and all!)

9. African Fabric Head Wraps for a Random Gym-goer

8. Encouraging/cheesy post-its in random places

7. Quarters at a vending machine

6. Christmas goodies for someone spending the holidays alone this year

5. Meal for a family with a new baby

4. Paying for the person behind us at the drive-thru

3. Leaving extra diapers and wipes in the mall bathroom

2. Doing the roommates dishes

1. Paying the toll for the person behind me

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HELPED!!!

We Love Moby!

I (Megan) am OBSESSED with baby wearing. I love cuddling babies and the idea that I could cuddle a baby even when doing dishes and cleaning and going for a walk is like the coolest thing ever. Also, strollers are really hard to use on African roads.

So, I knew that I wanted to be well-equipped for all our baby caring needs at Abide. I wanted great quality baby carriers on hand for the moms and dads at the center and for babysitting (and maybe future fostering?). So I researched like crazy and settled on wanting a wrap and a soft structured carrier.

For our wrap, Moby very generously donated TEN Moby wraps! They come in a variety of beautiful colors and designs and after the initial overwhelming feeling they are really easy to use. It only took me two or three tries before I had the wrap down and putting baby in and out is super easy. They're a great sturdy material so when baby is in they feel secure and you can confidently use your hands for other chores. You can easily wash them and throw them in a diaper bag when you head out. From my experience babies love them and sleep great safely wrapped up and cuddled up to a caregiver.

So below we have some great shots from the fabulously talented Kate Casaday of our Moby in action:

Thank you Moby! We are officially fans :)

Help Families Stay Together!

So Kelsey and I are back in school and falling into a new phase with Abide that we don't like. Don't like at all. It's when our number one job becomes begging people for money... which is awkward and uncomfortable. 

But we have to do it so here we go!


Become a monthly donor to Abide

We have $115,000 to raise and the best way for us to do that is to get people who will commit to give to Abide monthly. It doesn't have to be a lot... just as much as you can give. 

What can my monthly donation do?

$300.00 Pay our rent each month!

$250.00 Pay one social worker’s salary!

$150.00 Put one family through the program!

$100 Cover emergency housing for one family!

$50 Cover one child’s childcare costs!

$20 Cover transport costs for a home visit!

So how do I sign up as a monthly donor?

It's really easy! Just go here http://www.abidefamilycenter.org/donate0.aspx?count=false and choose "monthly recurring" when they ask. 

Join on this journey... help keep children in families!

Summer Recap

I've been pretty absent from blogging this Summer.

While I did write one post a few months back: here .  I wrote about why I think we disregard the African family for resettlement and family strengthening and instead continue to use international adoption and institutional models as first priority solutions in the care of vulnerable children here.

I've started maybe 6 or 7 other blog posts and can't seem to finish one.  There are many things I want to say, most of it centered around or related to the normal topics we all like to debate within "orphan" care.  [You'll have to excuse me for the parentheses, most of the children we refer to as "orphans" here in Uganda, are not].

But my lack of blogging hasn't been due to a lack of time, rather a growing desire to approach these topics effectively and with an intentional openness.

Being close-minded and opinionated hasn't gotten me very far in trying to encourage change within the "orphan" care community here.

What has it gotten me?  The people who agree with me to agree some more and those who disagree to tune me out and stop listening.

Note: not an effective way to bring about change

What I am going to try instead?

To remember where I started on this journey and all the unique experiences that have landed me where I am now.

When utilized, this has allowed for patience and grace. Something we forget to allow for, regardless of how much we are in need of it.

I am convinced that we can move forward.  It really shouldn't be a matter of which side you are on for issues of inter-country adoption, institutional care, family preservation or domestic foster care/adoption. There is not one solution that is best for every child.

So I am giving those posts-in-progress more time to sit.  More time to pray about how I approach certain topics and an increased appreciation for the various interventions necessary to meet the multifaceted needs of vulnerable children here and across the globe. 

Instead, I will recap the last few months.  Here are some highlights.

We got down to business

Here is the new home of Abide Family Center in Bugembe, Jinja, Uganda!

We signed a 4 year contract to this property. The lease begins June 1st of next year.  Look out Uganda, we're going to be full-time, socially awkward missionaries in 10 months.

We've had so many great meetings with different organizations and gov't officials who have encouraged us and pushed us toward improving our program model.  Simon, a CDO (community development officer) in Jinja, is one of many. 

We offered our first social work position to Adonai.  We are excited to welcome him to the Abide team!   

We worked on our NGO paperwork with our good friend Peter. He has to get a signature or two more and it should be filed and in process within the next two weeks.  This is the paperwork necessary for Abide to operate in Uganda.

We were encouraged by strong caregivers and their families

A woman who is willing to provide care and love to an additional three children after their father died and they were left without any family to care for them.

A mother who cares for 11 children and wouldn't dream of putting them in an orphanage, even after her husband leaves her and takes their cow.  

A Grandmother who adores her granddaughter and her granddaughter her. 

We went on adventures

We drove all the way to Dokolo and back in one day. 

We took the kids to the Jinja fair for lots of carnival rides, face paint and ice cream.

We went on walks and explored the Nile River.  Not sure if we were looking for boats or crocodiles here...

We hiked at Sipi Falls and had the best weekend ever.

Our legs felt like jello for at least two days after but it was so worth it.

We are flying back to the U.S. tomorrow morning.  This summer we accomplished everything we set out to and are so thankful for that.  We have a year full of finishing school, fundraising, continuing to network stateside and soaking up our last year (at least for a while) with friends and family back home.

Learning to trust the One who is in and above all things for the big and the little.

-Kelsey

A well-meaning but harmful approach to OVC care in Africa

Dan was placed with Julie through a domestic adoption in Uganda. Dan was 4 1/2 when Julie became his Mom.

This should really be split into 3 separate posts but I am just going to divide it into three sections instead. I really appreciate and value all feedback and criticism. Please feel free to comment or email me at: tub56099@temple.edu

Why numbers can send the wrong message

In reference to the number of orphans globally, the estimate usually falls into the 132-210 million range. While these numbers are shocking and can be helpful in raising awareness about the HUGE need for the church and international community to respond to the orphan crisis or as I would like to call the OVC crisis (Orphans and Other Vulnerable Children), these large statistics seem to, more often than not, misinform the audience they are intended for. It is my perception that when people hear these big numbers, they think that there are literally 100's of millions of children across the world ready and waiting to be adopted.

Now I am going to throw out a few other numbers (I know I know, everyone just loves numbers...I promise this will be the last time I throw statistics at you in this post)- While calculating an exact number is tricky, a recent estimate is that there are approximately 16 million children worldwide who have lost both parents. 8 million children are estimated to be living in institutional care internationally. So where do we get these big estimates reaching as high as 210 million orphans? They aren't necessarily wrong, however I fear they can be very misleading to the individual not willing to take the time to breakdown and understand what they are really saying.

What the numbers are saying- there ARE anywhere from 132-210 million children globally who have lost one or both parents. What the numbers are not saying- there are NOT 132-210 million children who are totally abandoned, unloved, and in need of our rescuing by way of institutionalization or adoption.

Yes, SOME of the children who fall under these large statistics have been abandoned or totally orphaned. Some children can not be kept in their natural families or country of origin because of stigmas, cultural barriers or extenuating circumstances that limit or prevent in-country placement. And it is critical for us to answer THAT call. To adopt the children where international adoption is truly their best and only option at having a family, and to promote in-country options for the larger majority of OVC. To love these kids so much so that we put their rights ahead of our values and concepts of what constitutes a 'good life'.

The Hague Convention and the U.N.'s Convention on the Rights of the Child have stressed the importance of striving for family preservation and when that is not possible, in-country options through kinship care or domestic adoption outside the extended family should be given priority over international adoption. As always I feel the need to say this: I am all for international adoption when it is in the best interest of the child, but what has become destructive is international adoption as a first priority. And that, that breaks my heart.

____________________

The "America as superior" attitude

It breaks my heart what we are saying to families when instead of working to help them keep their children, we take their children away in the form of well meaning institutions. It breaks my heart to think about what we are saying to Ugandan families when we don't first ask if they would like to adopt their children. Are we asserting that this isn't even worth exploring? That Ugandan families won't be able to provide the ideal 'better life' we have in mind for their orphans, so we must bring them to America? The colonial era in Africa has ended, but have we really progressed toward viewing the African people as equal? Or does our privilege and power as members of Western society come in handy in making decisions for other nation's children? It seems as though we still convey very imperialistic attitudes, and they are even well-meaning! The terms we all use, "developing", "third world", "less-developed"- they are more weighted than I think we realize. And when I see we, I truly mean we- myself included.

Those words carry with them a "less-than" connotation, whether we intend it to or not. That in countries like Uganda, they are "less-developed" than us, therefore awarding us a sense of superiority. "less-than" does assert we are "more-than", does it not? Before you get angry and think I feel I have some authority to preach on this, please know I am writing this to myself just as much as anyone else. I have the "I'm American, so I know best" mentality just as much as the next gal or guy. To make a long story short, I think that there is MUCH need for exploration into this arena. Please do not take this as an attack on the call to adopt or orphan advocacy. It's not. This is a plea with myself and with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to wrestle with our actions and decisions when we step out into the mission field. May we explore the possibility that wrapped up in our charity there can be very oppressive ideologies that inhibit true social justice for marginalized populations in the same countries we claim to love. Might these realizations convict us and help us move beyond charity and toward justice for the poor. This is after all what God has required of us.Jeremiah 22:3. Do justice and righteousness, and deliver the one who has been robbed from the power of his oppressor. May we not be the oppressor of the poor but the lovers who fight alongside them.

Are you turned off by this post all together? Don't give up yet! I am going to try and present this a bit differently and hope that maybe it offends you less and rather just gets you to start thinking about what it is I am really trying to communicate here.

There are many couples in the U.S. that can not have children. Some can have children and are just interested in expanding their family through adoption. There are babies born to women who can not or do not wish to care for them. Most of these birth moms will meet with a social worker and adoption counselor to make sure that they know and understand what signing over the rights to their child means- legally and emotionally. These professionals will make sure that the mom is aware of her options. That if she wished to keep the baby, there are safety-nets in place that would help alleviate some of the economic strain this baby would have for her. Even still, many mothers make the difficult decision to place their child with an adoptive family who will love and provide for the child in ways she doesn't desire to or feel she is fit to. We respect this decision, and while we mourn the loss of a child growing up with their birth mother, we celebrate the beauty God can bring through that brokenness- adoption.

Now imagine this: adoption agencies in the U.S. begin contacting European countries to ask them if they would be interested in adopting the available children in our country. Bypassing all the potential adoptive families in the U.S. for families in countries that are seen by the agencies as "more developed". They've heard people in Europe are quite happy with their national healthcare and extensive social welfare services, so the agencies figured they'd do better by placing these children in European countries instead. Would we sit idly by and watch this happen? No way. We would be holding onto those kids kicking and screaming. Questioning the agencies for their ignorance in assuming we wouldn't take the kids when, had we been asked we most certainly would. Had we been asked and then turned down the chance to care for those kids, maybe then you could place them in other countries. But you better ask us first. We are Americans and those are American children.

This same entitlement we would have to our own children, we have to Africa's children. I am really still in the processes of grappling with why exactly that is. Why when a brand new baby is orphaned in Uganda do we dream of the beauty God will bring through an international adoption to America instead of a domestic adoption into a lovely Ugandan family? And if you are convinced adoption outside the extended family just isn't something Ugandans do you can read all about some wonderful examples here: Child's i Foundation

______________

Why Ugandan children are in institutional care and why it doesn't mean Ugandans don't love their kids

Something Megan pointed out that I was neglecting to address originally in this dialogue: If Ugandans are willing to adopt and care for OVC in their country through resettlement, kinship care, or adoption why is it estimated that nearly 40,000 children are living in institutional care in Uganda? In 2009, preparing to leave for my first trip to Uganda, I originally thought a child in an orphanage was just what I expected them to be, an orphan. I thought they were all children who had either lost both parents or had been abandoned and therefore had no one to love them. Boy was I wrong, but what else was I supposed to think? Surely a child would not be living in institutional care instead of their family if they had someone out there who loved them.

Adoption through kinship care has been and is still the most common practice for 'orphan care' in Africa- And many even consider it the best option for these children if proper supports are in place. Why then are so many children being pushed out of their homes and into orphanages? Yes, some caregivers on extended families truly do not want their child. I am however speaking to the majority where inadequate safety-nets and the economic strains of an additional child are the primary reasons for child abandonment or institutionalization. So the first challenge I have in this is that we start questioning the root causes of each child's case. That instead of assuming

that because a caregiver or family was unable to provide for them, it must mean they don't really love them- that we would make sure no mother, father, aunt, uncle, grandmother or grandfather is signing the rights away to their child because of money. And that we are providing a true alternative. That instead of simply providing the option ofinstitutionalization or adoption, we say "If you were to keep the child, I would come alongside you and your family and help you". We wouldn't think it appropriate to remove a child in America from a family that loved them but was just too poor. We'd make sure they knew about the various government programs available to help alleviate the financial stress of caregiving. Family preservation efforts should be given just as high a priority in Uganda.

I want to point you to this quote for a quote from a Zambian pastor after a visit to America:International Adoption and the Western Mindset, " What I found rather surprising, however, was the lack of knowledge and appreciation of the African extended family system. So, although I initially set up this blog in order to give my church a peep into the outside world, I thought of writing a blog to inform the West about what is common knowledge back home. Whereas to the Western mind, an orphan, having lost both father and mother, is destined to either be adopted or spend the rest of his or her childhood days in an orphanage, to an African mind, the child still has many fathers and mothers, and consequently many homes to live in"

Now, for the children who can not be kept in their immediate or extended families through offering community and family based support. This is the grey area for many, and I don't think it's completely black and white for me either. That's why I feel it necessary that each child's case truly be assessed on an individual basis. Some children will be easy to place in a Ugandan family. Many Ugandans have and continue to adopt children outside of their family. It is possible. It is happening. If a child is difficult to place in a Ugandan family or you just can't find a family, I truly believe it is in the child's best interest to be placed internationally- and those international adoptions ARE beautiful. These are the ethical standards of the United Nations that I haven't been able to argue against yet. I am not going to do the usual listing of specific demographics of children that I think make for ethical international adoptions, because I think we can get too stuck on those categories dictating whether an adoption is ethical or not. Megan wrote a good post on that here: Total Orphan, I'm Sorry it's Not That Simple

What needs to happen, as I said before, is the assessment and adequate time given to each child's case. That a child is not removed from their family or country of origin unnecessarily because we make passionate and well-meaning decisions without giving proper attention to the alternatives and the possibility that we in fact, may not be the best option for that child. This was something I learned through Dan's story (pictures above). This is a journey I've been on and am continuing to process, and I would be happy to tell you more about Dan and his adoption if you'd like to hear about it!

_____________________

In sum: This post is a reminder to myself, just as much as anyone who reads it. That my well-meaning actions and decisions can often be extremely detrimental to the culture and people I am working with. That I, as an American social worker, will always be at a disadvantage in adequately assessing the needs of children and families in Uganda. To be aware of how limited my knowledge is of the family dynamics and other cultural norms. To accept that there are just some decisions that are not mine to make. To ask questions and remain teachable. And to listen, and I mean really listen to the voices of the people I am serving. I think then and only then will we start to see a shift from our perceived needs of the Ugandan people toward addressing the deeply rooted structures and ideologies that have created or perpetuated these needs.

-Kelsey

I am one of the fatherless.

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy dwelling place
Psalm 68:5

We don't usually get personal on this blog. I've been praying about this post these last few days. I've been praying because Abide is not about Megan or I.  It's not our stories we're interested in telling in this space. It is about the God we serve and what He is going to do in the lives of families in Uganda. Redemption. Restoration. Beauty from the ashes. That is the God we serve. Humbled by our limitations and thankful we get to see Him show up in big ways for Uganda's poorest and most marginalized. But I feel it important to at least shed some light on why I believe so strongly in Abide and fighting for families to be kept together.

Megan and myself are both 'orphans'. Some of you already know this, some of you may not. We are both half orphans by definition. Megan's Mother died when she was 5 and my Dad died when I was 14. This will be the only time I speak for Megan and myself in this post- Having lost a parent, we understand what that absence feels like. There was and always will be one very important person missing at every significant milestone- College graduation, wedding days, and the birth of grandchildren. We did not however, experience the reality of our family being ripped apart after we were 'orphaned'. Our families stayed together because they were given the chance to. Had we grown up in Uganda, our stories might have looked quite different.

We fight because we believe when God required us to love the orphan and the widow, that He did not mean we should take the orphan away from the widow without first offering to come alongside her so that she might get the chance to keep her child.

When my Dad died people were cooking meals for us non-stop, our house was consistently full of people who loved us in the days and weeks following. Soon enough our house emptied and we were finally left to grieve and try to understand the ugly reality of my Dad's life ending here on earth. Not ugly for him, but pretty stinkin' ugly for us. While money could be no compensation for his passing,  we were very blessed to receive life insurance and social security. We also benefited from free school lunches and CHIP/medicaid. As a single Mother with 4 kids, my Mom would have had an extremely difficult time making ends meet without insurance and government assistance.

This month, March 19th to be exact, is the anniversary of my Father's death. He passed away suddenly of a periodic embolism {a blood clot that traveled from his legs to his lungs after having surgery}.

As many memories fade, what his life and death taught me have only been strengthened through living and working in Uganda. I believe in a God who has perfect plans. A God who works for the good of those who love Him. And sometimes {okay A LOT of the time} He works really ugly things into really good things. The perfect example of Jesus on the cross. The messy example of me- a sinner, saved by grace.

Why am I writing this? You can not understand why I believe in Abide without also understanding that I, as a half-orphan, was given the chance to stay with my Mom. To be raised in my family. This is something I believe every child and family has the right to. Regardless of where you are born, I believe you deserve the chance to grow up in the family God decided to place you with first.

I know this is not always possible. Sometimes parents and extended families are sucky and don't want to keep their kids. But may we not make the mistake in assuming that because a child is abandoned or placed in an orphanage that it MUST mean they are unloved. That we offer family strengthening as an OPTION before removal. As the church, may we begin loving the 'orphan' so much so, that we work with urgency to help keep them in their families.

-Kelsey

What We've Learned Through Resettlement

We've learned to be weary of individuals/organizations that say a child is 'adoptable' because the family is 'too poor'.  

We've learned to challenge our fears and assumptions of families.  To forgive the past and honor the fact that God chose these families for these children. We've seen God do really cool things with second chances.

We've learned  the strength of the extended family in Uganda. We've learned that the absence of Mom and Dad alone does not make a child adoptable.

We've learned that, despite what many will tell you, there are single Fathers here who desire to raise their children.

We've learned a lot about the transformation kids make from institutions to being back home with their families.

We've learned that what we consider a "better life" for a child has compromised our priorities in 'orphan care' here.